My name is Oliver Wendell Cat, and I have a tale to tell about how I saved Christmas last year. It all started when I took a job up in North Pole, Alaska back in August. Work was slow in New Jersey, so I headed north and hitched my way up to number 49!
I took a job in North Pole, a small, friendly town, with a jolly mayor and his staff of mutant elves. My position as “Mouser of the House,” was quickly secured, and I soon found myself humming the merry tune that my human sister sang in Les Mis earlier in the year.
I grew fond of my elven and reindeer friends, and was quickly disturbed when I found the decaying carcass of one of my fine antlered pals, tossed carelessly by the road.
After doing a quick inventory of the local reindeer, I discovered that my dear pal, Rudolph, of re-nosed fame, was no where to be found! Distraught, I went into the woods to the famous “Christmas Wish Tree”, and asked for some wisdom to guide me in discovering the reason anyone would kill my dear friend?
“Who killed Rudolph?” That was my big question. The tree whispered, “Head south, polar cat.” Off I went, on the adventure of a lifetime!
My journey took me to far away places. One of my first clues was Rudolph’s favorite Santa hat, which was caught in the fence of a highway overpass! Distraught, I went looking for all of the other reindeer, who used to laugh and call him names.
Dancer and Prancer were of no help. All they wanted to do was to practices this high kicks for the Christmas parade!
Disgusted by their attitudes, I went another route, and set out to find Mumbles, the penguin. Mumbles refused to talk to me! I’m not sure what his problem was, but he’s been very aloof since his second move came out. (Hollywood will do that to you!)
My patience was growing thin! I had to discover who had taken out the life of the greatest red-nosed reindeer in history. (Well, ok…the only one who has ever lived.) I walked and walked and finally found Frosty The Snowman, who just gave me his wooden grin and stared with glazed eyes. He was obviously hiding something!
I searched deep into the night, where I found The Abominable Snowman, Frosty’s mutant cousin from the Canadian Rockies. He was having a bad acid trip and throwing stars at me, but I got him to talk. Rudolph was last seen with Comet and Cupid. I knew it! Those two were always picking on poor Rudolph, and never let him play in any of their reindeer games!
When I asked about Rudolph, they just paused for a moment, then went back to staring and grazing. Oh, Comet and Cupid, you are so transparent! I can see right through your lies…and your bodies too! How odd. I had to talk to Santa!
Santa wasn’t talking to anyone! I tried to rub up against him and purr, but he wouldn’t have any of that and shooed me away. He’d better sleep with one eye opened from now on.
Not one to take no for an answer, I, Oliver Wendall Cat, raced away to find that rascal of a head elf. I was very pleased when I ran into some of my friends.
The Elf children were always fun to play with, and never tired of our games of lasar tag. They knew where Mrs. Claus kept the cat treats, and would give me some every now and then. They weren’t any help in the Rudolph department, but were happy to point the way to the Head Elf, who was making them decorate his house! Wait until the Child Labor folks hear about this…
Of course, Ernie, The Head Elf, was slacking off and drinking on the job. He claimed that Santa was busy with his secretary and couldn’t see me until the next day! Me? I live with the man and his wife! I questioned him about Rudolph and he could only managed to tell me that, “Rudolph went away.” Oh, really? Tell me something I don’t know you lush! He offered me a drink, but the bottle was empty.
I must seek out my old friend Watson, The Smoking Cat. He’ll know the truth!
Skinny enough to slip through the slimmest of cracks, Watson, The Smoking Cat, has been living at the North Pole for over 15 years! He is the elder of all of us mousers, and has been known to go in and out of places undetected by any creature! He confirmed my deepest suspicions: 1. Santa knows the truth. 2. Ernie is indeed a lush. 3. Rudolph was last seen being taken away on a snow cat, screaming in pain. I knew it! Someone must have poisoned dear Rudolph!
I couldn’t waste any more time. I would have to greet Santa this evening and cuddle up to the fat guy tonight. He often talks in his sleep, so maybe he may slip up and tell me some truths about who killed Rudolph. Santa greeted me with his usual jolly remarks, and invited me to join him by the fire. Unfortunately, just as he was about to start talking, I heard a mouse. The call of duty had finally arrived. After several months, I was about to earn my keep! Oliver Wendall Cat spent the entire night hunting after that nasty creature.
I almost missed my meeting with Santa, but he invited me right in, and even let me sit up on his big lap. “Oliver, my trusty Polar Cat, come sit with Santa and I’ll tell you all about Rudolph.” OMG!!! I had NO idea! I had to leave…
I had to run for miles and miles to see if the old bearded man had told me the truth. I didn’t reach my destination until the break of dawn. Dark shadows greeted me at the door to the secret chambers. I had to be brave for Rudolph!
There were cries from beyond the large door, and I heard a man’s voice saying, “That’s good, that’s good. Now reach in and grab the young one. That’s my boy, you are going to take over when I retire.” Suddenly, the cries stopped, and I could hear laughter. I stood in fear. Was Rudolph alive or dead?
The door to the secret chamber opened slowly. A great red glow emerged from within the manger. A man emerged from the building, covered in blood. Who was this evil creature? He looked at me and smiled. “Well hello there. You must be Oliver. Santa said you were on your way. Come on in and join the fun. Rudolph will be happy to see you!” Rudolph was alive! I was so excited, I sprung off my paws and into the … barn?
I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was a Christmas miracle. Rudolph had given birth! But what was this, poor Rudolph was being grounded, and the forecast was for another “Foggy Christmas Eve!” What would happen to Christmas?? I talked it over with Rudolph, who explained that her baby was not a miracle child. Many of Santa’s reindeer were female, but for some reason, she had been given a boy’s name at birth, and it had just stuck. The boys all made fun of her when they were young, but she had to fight them off these days. Rudy told me, “Oliver, you must save Christmas, and I’m sure that if you ask Santa, he will make your Christmas dreams come true.”
The man, who called himself Dr. Dan, the “Man with a Plan”, gave me a ride back to Santa’s. The seats of his Jeep were nice and warm, and I settled down for a nice winter’s nap. We drove and drove and finally arrived. Santa greeted us and brought me inside. We talked for a while and he gave me some nice warm milk. “Drink this my dear Oliver, and you will soon have the Christmas you will never forget.” I drank it all up and felt suddenly strange. What had Santa slipped into my beverage? He carried me outside and set me down in front of his sleigh. All of the reindeer just stared. The real Christmas miracle was about to happen!
Yes, folk! I grew and I grew and my nose began to shine. I took my place at the front of the line. The other reindeer shouted out with glee! “Oliver the Red-Nosed Cat-Deer! You’ll go down in history!”
So this is the end of a Polar Cat’s tale, of how he saved Christmas and brought everyone good cheer!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIGHT!